You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
