I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You are the jesus of drinking
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
