she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
