Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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