she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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