I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
