Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
