I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
