doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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