He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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