at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
