i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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