and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
