I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
