new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
