Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
