so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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