i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
