I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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