Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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