I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
