I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
