Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
