just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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