Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Vodka?
Forever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
