PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
