just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
