So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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