did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
