Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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