So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
