I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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