My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
