i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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