Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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