cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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