I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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