i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
