i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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