If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
