it wasn't lemon gatorade
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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