A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
