apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
