I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
