just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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