After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Watching her eat just hurts me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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