You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
