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maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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