dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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