my phone needs a breathalizer
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Girls should come with a carfax report
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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